Day 1

Sunday, December 10, 2017

2112

To be quite frank with you, whoever you is, I am not sure what I am doing here. The last time I was a hardcore blogger, I was about fourteen and had thirty-seven followers. That's right.Thirty-seven. I was practically a blogger sensation and I planned out my posts for weeks while I developed new ones in the meantime. I wrote to please my audience because I wanted their views and for them to come back to read more. But that was a while ago and now I am here just to write. Not to please you or inspire you. Of course if that somehow makes its way out of this moshpit of a blog I am attempting to create, by all means please be inspired. For the moment though, I am spilling it all out. I've changed alot of the years and so has my blogger self, so pardon me if I seem a little rusty at this.

I titled this post Day 1 so if I made it seem important, like I am out there accomplishing something that will make me feel productive. I don't know what Day 1 is 1 of. Maybe just Day 1 of the blog but I want it to be more than that. I want to feel like I am stepping ahead into something grander. 

There is three feelings I have been experiencing more than usual lately. 

1. Feeling extra fat. 

Before it came in waves like it does for any girl, but I feel so extra squishy lately. Life has been a whirl-wind lately (which I will explain later or in another post perhaps) that I haven't been eating the healthiest or exercising lately, plus I've been feeling sad so on top of all of those I feel like the Pillsbury dough boy. 

2. Feeling anxious about my future. 

There are times when I am set on what I want to do with my life and then others it simply slips away and I am stuck with the anxiety of not knowing what to do with my life. I feel I am wasting time trying to figure it out when I could be living it out. Thus brings number 3. 

3. Feeling scared of the unknown. 

A good friend of mine told me not to be scared of the unknown because it always works out. I believe this and I can preach it, yet I cannot seem to grasp it for myself. I'm a planner. I've been planning my days, weeks, months since I was a kid and I had a notebook and pencil. To not know what's going to happen frightens me because I want to make sure I am going in the right direction. 

Okay I lied, there's a number 4 too.

4. Feeling lonely

I've always struggled with the feeling of loneliness, but it seems to be pressing a lot more lately and the more I try to fill it, it seems the worse it gets. Yet at the same time I feel if I give in it will be very hard for me to come out. 

That's all my brain seems to want to spill out tonight. I am sure I will be back soon. I cannot commit myself yet because I feel every time I do I tend to skip out and when I do I feel like a failure. I don't want to feel like a failure. Hmm. Maybe that's number 5. I'll save that for another time.